Leave and Cleave

Derailed by Mom Issues:

With the passing of this past Mother's Day, I had been inspired to hash out a couple things in a new blog post.  However, I felt like there was so much I have in my head to say, that all the ideas trip over one another.  I have no clear train of though, because I can't complete any.  This is what my mom does to me.  I feel every emotion flood into my head, and nothing all at the same time. I've had three thoughts in my head, regarding my mom, but they continue to interrupt one another. Since I can't get the finished thoughts out of my head, I will get them away from having to keep looking at them in order to finish them.

This idea I kept coming back to, but it forces me to rethink about a time period that was really rough, and took my wife and I a few years to get beyond.  I had three other ideas I may revisit someday, but I don't like thinking about thins that are upsetting to me, and my mother is just that.  

"Mommy Dearest"

I am the youngest of seven, and I work with students who sometimes either can't talk, or not very well.  I see the world the way a behaviorist does; what you DO is who you ARE. To quote rapper DMX, "Talk is cheap!". I come from an eloquent, well-spoken, educated, and persuasive family.  I was fooled into thinking a lot of things growing up, and even though our words can be counter to our core character, our actions can only be counter to that core for so long.  A little bit of adversity, and I learned who my family really was, and who I really was.  

Matthew 12:46-50

While he was yet speaking to the multitudes, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, seeking to speak to him.  And one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, seeking to speak to thee.  But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?  And he stretched forth his hand towards his disciples, and said, Behold, my mother and my brethren!  For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.

A Very Long Engagement

In the Summer of 2003 I proposed to my wife.  In the time from that day until our wedding the following Summer, we experienced a lot of turmoil from external forces.  Just to give you an idea about what happened in the 12 month engagement aside from the usual wedding preparations: I visited her fam in Ecuador, returned to learn that my mom and step-dad were trying to use their influence in our church to stop our wedding, one of my brothers jumped on the band wagon, I tried to appease the situation by making him my Best Man, he agreed, later decided to cuss out my fiancé over the phone and said he wouldn't be a part of my wedding, My mom made a plea to me not to marry my wife, My fiancé and I went to counseling to deal with this situation, I met my BioDad, I did not invite my mother to a wedding she did not want to occur, she still did not show up, we had a beautiful wedding with 400+ in attendance, an amazing reception where we danced until almost midnight, and will be married for 7 years this Summer.  That's the engagement in a nutshell.  

Mom is MIA

Throughout the entirety of my engagement, and on the day of my wedding, I struggled with the loss of relationship with my mother.  Even though I was closer to my Step-Dad, it is the relationship with my mom I feel that she cheated me out of. Because if the way she raised me, and the things she said to me, I assumed that she would be a great mother-in-law and grandmother, ultimately.  I still have a hold-out for my kids to know their grandmother, but I won't force ANY negative influence into their lives.  I grew up with a mother who was very strong and determined it's where I get those qualities), but the reality is closer t insecure and confused.  I don't know if I will ever get a chance to talk with the strong woman who raised me; I think she is gone from me forever.  

The Mother of MY Children

The idea of mother, when i think about what I think it should be, and what I experience, they do not always match up.  As a mother, would you tell your child that they were an accident, almost aborted, conceived in hate?  Of course not, because you are most likely a well-adjusted individual.  My wife is constantly amazed at the miracle that is our children.  She is awe-struck an the idea that these two beautiful being are the product of us.  She is protective, she builds them up, she teaches them, she trains them, she disciplines them, she is creative in how she interacts with them.  She is an amazing mother.  I hope to talk her into writing on this blog one day [fingers crossed].  I never have, and I never will have any fears about my kids when they are with their mother.  

I love my wife.  When I see the things she does for our kids, I don't wish that I had those things from my own mother.  However, I do wish she was able to be around to be those things for her grandchildren.  

I live two miles from my mom, and we're worlds apart.

-JB

Man Song: The Aviator

My mom used to tell me that the music you listen to has to have a reason... Even though I don't agree with that statement, fully, I think that there are some songs that hit us in a way we can't always explain.  It may be the whole song, or just part of it.  It may be a good song, and it may not be.  This is one of those ify situations.  I don't know if this is a great song or not... I can't really make it past these words in the chorus:

I'm just a man
Doin' the best he can
Doin' the best he can
I'm just a man

I might fall short
But I love a unseen hand
Love the unseen hand
Love the unseen hand

 The song is called The Aviator, by a Canadian Hip Hop artist named K-Os (chaos).  

The idea of an unseen hand, however yo interpret that, is a powerful visual to a parent.  There are many times where raising kids makes us feel like we've missed being perfect, or we worry that we may have done or will do something to cause them to go to therapy some day.  There is hope that the "unseen" hand will still be there to guide them in spite of our shortcomings.  As a parent... as a dad, that is comforting, because I know who that "unseen" hand is for me.  HE has brought me a wonderful wife and beautiful children.  Check out the song.  Tell me what you think.  

-JB 

Role Models

My daughter, Pebbles, is four years old and still believes (*ahem...knows) that her daddy, me, is the STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. Who am I to tell her otherwise. A couple days after she said this, I saw yet another fight among players in an NBA game while watching ESPN. What do these two events have in common? To me, the correlation is simple: to my four year old, I AM her role model, and I am trying my best to be the right example for her. It is important to me to continue to be that role model for her. Pro players, whether they are a good role model or not, should not be your child's role model. To me, this is just parents being lazy, like having the TV babysit your own children (which I know I do at times).

I shouldn't be so hard on professional athletes, they ARE just children. They are someone else's child. Why would I expect them to be able to set an example for my kids when they are only children themselves. I'm 30, and I still worry about being the right example for my kids as they grow, so why would I want them to loom up to someone else's child who doesn't have any stake in the successes or failures of my kids? I value education as a third-generation college grad and a 2nd-generation post-grad, but these kids come out of college with barely more credits than if they went to a community college and someone hands them a multimillion dollar bonus check.

I wish I could say that it is an age thing and that they will grow wiser with age, but Brett Favre dismissed that argument this past year. Who, in their right mind, send a picture of their old, greying, receding-hairlined, loose-skinned JOHNSON to a beautiful young woman and think that is all it takes? So, maybe i shouldn't pick on pro players, because their profession is to play, so I shouldn't expect too much out of a business that does not encourage it's employees to act with character and integrity.

I'm not even going to talk about musicians or actors, because that is too easy, so I'll mention politicians. [sigh] Now that I think about them, they upset me as well. Here is a group of delinquents who shoot a whole in my previously mentioned notions of education as a value and proves that it doesn't provide for better role models. Politicians, are notoriously just as bad. And why is this? What makes celebrities so out of touch with reality? And why would we want our children to look to them for examples? They typically come from two different backgrounds; one is in the business of producing revenue and entertainment, and the other is in the business of governing the land.

What bothers me most about politicians is that what I feel towards them doesn't come from watching tripe news or doing research, but from personal experience. I was fortunate enough to witness first-hand how a politician become blinded to the reality around them in an attempt to "stand for values" and win voter approval across several value sets. What comes of a person whose business is to be a people-pleaser but they don't realize it?

All this to come back to my original question: who is your child's role model? And why would you let someone else steal that level of influence in their life from you?

Join in the discussion...

JB

Life Imitates Art of War

This post will show the way my head works; I find obvious and obscure correlations and connections between things. Much like my parenting tips as Sports Analogies post (which were obvious), I like to find ways to relate anything to anything else. It is one of my strengths as a Special Education teacher, and I like to see the wheels begin to turn as skillA relates to activityB. It is also what made me an above-average used car salesman (yeah, I was one once).

I was thinking about roles of those in authority and how we as parents teach these roles to our kids. One way or another (it took me a while, and I don't really remember how) I started thinking about military tactics and parenting tactics. Then I began thinking about the different roles soldiers play in war, and how it relates to the type of parenting we do at times. The following list is what I came up with:

BOMBER PILOT: Heavy-handed disciplinarian, when you're around.  Your kids know your name, but refer to you as The Hammer.  You swoop in at the end of the day to dole out punishments with harsh precision because the ground forces (see GRUNTS) called for reinforcements.  May be the style of the executive parent, or you will see this in a single-income home.  "Wait 'til your father/mother gets home."

BUFFALO SOLDIER: Parents who succeed despite everything. Socio-economic status, community environment, single parent, divorce, traumatic event, etc do now deter this parent from giving their child ALL they can. They are the exception to the rule, and do not conform to the statistics. Their child may be the first in their family to go to college.

ENTRENCHED SOLDIER: Stuck in a stalemate. Unable to see what's coming. Unwilling to give ground. Shooting blindly at issues that do not relate to what their kids are dealing with. Feel as if they are going nowhere, but are afraid to try something new.

GRUNTS: Put in the hard work of parenthood. They are the first to get up and have everything ready in the morning, and the last to sleep at night once everyone is fed, clean, and happy. Some Stay-At-Home parents may feel like this, or like they are trying to take the beach at Normandy every morning. ;-)

KAMIKAZEE PILOTS: Parents who seem to sacrifice their own life and happiness to be parents. Abandon all for the title and status of parent. They forget personal hobbies, or interests, and their whole identity becomes that of So-and-So's parent.

THE SABOTEUR: Parents who either knowingly or unwittingly undermine their child's ability to be successful. A parent who is an enabler. Some kids who receive special education services may not have internal disabilities, but disabling parents.

THE SNIPER: A master of working behind the scenes. They recognize possible issues before they arise, plan to have themselves in a position to have it in their sights, and deals with the issue quickly so that it doesn't grow out of proportion, or seem like an issue at all.

TUSKEGEE AIRMEN: when a child has an extended household devote to their success through life. This may be actual family members assuming partial responsibility of raising the kids, or friends and community members making sure all kids show respect and are safe.

So, this is what came out of my head. Are there any I missed?

-JB

Memory Lane

This is an old post I found from my old blog.  It's about 2 years old.  Nostalgic:

It amazes me when I look back at the days when I had a “little” baby that would cozy on my chest…

She used to be the sweetest most innocent thing and she was a little doll. However, she is has grown into a feisty little toddler, that already acts like she runs the show.

She has become this little ball of personality and highs and lows. She goes from extreme happiness to hearing the words “nite nite” or “nap time” and suddenly her world crumbles around her. We had a brief stint where she tried to throw temper tantrums and she soon found out that they would not be dealt with and found herself alone yelling at no one, and those seem to have gone as as as they came. Though she still says not to nap time, she still walks herself to her bed and lays down.

Now, when she tries to come and share our bed in the lazy weekend mornings, I get kicked out of my spot, and my pillow becomes her pillow. She has her opinion and will let you know it. She is defiant to fault, but she keeps me on my toes, and I don’t ant to take that away from her. We want her to question the norms and not do what everyone else is doing, and we want her to be able to do her own thing and not care about anyone else. As she continues to grow, I can only hope to have a little girl that will try and fail and be honest in failures so she can learn to succeed.

Wordless Wednesday 22March11

Here's some pics from the other day when the whole fam was playing around.  The Wife has the better "camera eye" so she's taking these beauties.

BamBam does what he can to keep up with Pebbles

Never a doubt that she is mine

A calm moment

Some hugs can NEVER be too tight!

Evening Dance Party

Since The Wife and I have managed to make it this far into parenthood without needing to pay for childcare, I feel very fortunate.  We live close to our folks and her parents and grand parents watch the kids often.  My brother and sister-in-law [pictured on the right] have also been able to watch the kids and let them play with their cousins.  Since The Wife works most evenings so we don't need childcare, I am home with the kiddos at night for 5 nights a week.  We have lots of fun!

For Wordless Wednesday, I am adding a pair of videos from one of the many dance parties the kids have to the Yo-Gabba-Gabba playlist on Last.fm.  Enjoy!

Son, On Your First Birthday

A Letter to My Son, DMHB,

            Hey buddy.  Since today is your first birthday, I wanted to take a moment to tell you about your first year of life.  To be perfectly honest, this has been a very trying year, but looking at you has made it all worth it.  The time since you were born has flown by; so let me start by getting some of the tangibles out of the way.  In the last 12 months, I finished my Master’s in Special Education and started a new teaching position in North Bend, your mom has started a new position and schedule at the Hospital, and your sister has started preschool up at MVP.  We moved in with Nana and Papa for a few long weeks before finding a rental home close by.  You rode in an airplane to California where you got to sleep and poop in Disneyland, and meet your Great Grandma. 

            D, in this short year you have shown yourself to be silly, charming, happy, affectionate, fun-loving, easy-going, opinionated, smart, and a very good boy.  In short, you fit into our crazy family perfectly.  Your sister loves you, and is happy that you are getting more and more mobile every day.  Your mother could not love you any more than she does now; you are a momma’s boy, and she’s glad for that.  As for me, you are my boy.  You are not my chance to right the wrongs of my childhood.  You are your own life, and choices, and consequences.  My only hope is that you allow me to go on this journey with you. 

            You are mine.

            I am yours.

I love you son,

Dad

An Education in Manhood

My own thought caught me off guard today.  Aside from being a husband and father searching for my own manhood, I am a Special Education teacher in a Middle School.  There are constant discussions and debates over the roles of teachers and the lines they can and should cross, and what it means to "educate" children.  Maybe I come back around to this idea over and over, because I have written a post about this before.  Click on the link and feel free to leave a comment on my Education Blog.  Where are these boys seeing manhood for 6-7 hours everyday?  Who shows them how to try, fail, and try again as men?  Who is there to say "so what?" "Suck it up", "pull it together", or "be a man"?  

Not many, that's who.

Blood or Water - Part 2: Broken Cycle

Normally, when I start a post, I know what I want to say and how I want to say it before beginning. That is not the case here. Perhaps it is because it is a difficult topic to me, or that I have so much I think I want to say that I can't figure out just what I should say. So I have decided to just start typing, and post whatever comes out right now.

In Part 1 of this series, I mentioned the emotionally abusive nature of my brother. Something that is never considered when you are a victim of any kind of abuse, is that you have a propensity to do what happened to you. Abused children may become violent, the sexually abused can become the abusers, and on, and on. As someone who grew up in a house with abuse in it, I was subjected to emotional abuse, but it hasn't been until recently (I'm almost 30) that I realized it even was abuse. How did this kind of a childhood make me a different person today?

Detachment for Survival
As someone who experience emotional abuse, I realize that the abusers use your own emotions to control you. As long as you continue to react to them, and display these emotions, they are able to continue to control you. This is dangerous in a family setting, because how is someone supposed to remove themselves from what appears to be a loving and supportive family setting at a young age? Emotions that were stirred in me were anger, guilt, insignificance, and selfishness. Even though I did not understand why I was made to feel this way, or how I could be called any of these, I believed them and I reacted, because it was family telling me this. It wasn't until I began to detach from these emotions and refused to react that I began to see the frustration in my brother. The less I said, and the less I gave them (the more apathetic I appeared), the more i was able to ignore their attempts at controlling me through my emotions.

What this Means, is that by high school, I was increasingly becoming detached from my emotions. Instead of going through them in order to understand them, I pushed them down and ignored them, which anyone will tell you is not a healthy thing to do. I became someone who did not delve deep into my own or others' emotions, and only went as deep as the surface; I became superficial. I did not have relationships that went very deep, and I did not, nor did I know how to, invest into other people.

Me Now... What's Changed?
The only way I have been able to come to these realizations about myself, is because I have been blessed to have someone come into my life who has turned me around completely. My wife has been a catalyst for personal change (which is possibly the topic I will address next). Her example and encouragement coupled with the unconditional love of my children has created a childhood for them that I can enjoy in spite of the one from my own memory. I get to become the father that is engaged, and loving, and encouraging, and I get to be a parent who actually encourages love among siblings rather than competition and a chain-of-command. I get to share in the new memories that we are creating, and let to past remain in the past. This reality means that the emotional abuse I dealt with will not be passed on to my children, and will not be passed onto theirs. The cycle of manipulation and control has ended, and the more i grow as a husband and father, the less I understand why I had the childhood I did.

Legacy of the Superman

I was looking to feed my geek side today on deviantart.com by looking through some of the interpretive works on some of my favorite comic characters. When I was looking through the Superman pictures, I noticed that hardcore fans of the character have a hard time letting go of their favorites. Now, it's not so much the character of Superman whose legacy I want to talk about as it is Christopher Reeve's embodiment of the character that has left a lasting impression on our culture.


There are countless iterations of Superman with the likeness of Reeves. Why is that? Superman has already returned to the big screen with Brandon Routh taking his shot at the icon. How did he not stack up to a movie and special effects that were decades in the past? Why is it, that every Superman that comes after wards will have to be compared to the original big screen Supes? It is more than the ability to act the part, to show the powers, and to be the secret identity. It is a high expectation that were shown. This icon was cemented into culture, because when watching the movie, we forgot about Reeves, and were watching Superman. Superman Returns was a disappointment because we found ourselves in the theaters watching a soap opera actor try, and fail to become the character. The legacy of Superman has become tarnished because the bar was set so high, and we as fans will not tolerate a mediocre showing when we know what is possible.


SO WHAT?
What does this have to do with manhood or fatherhood? That's a good question, and I'll talk about it on two issues. First of all, I have somewhat alluded to my own examples of fatherhood growing up. Well, I have the pleasure of being married to a woman whose father was a Christopher Reeves, and I'm Brandon Routh trying to fill shoes I don't fully understand. My wife is a missionary's kids, her dad is now the associate pastor at the church. When you talk about a man being a spiritual head of a house, he IS it. There are things she became accustomed to growing up that I don't even know how to do for her. The bar for being the man of the house was set very high for me, and I'm still trying to reach it. Her dad has created a legacy and an example of what she expects that makes me continue to strive to be a better and better husband and father.


On the second issue... Superman is a perfect analogy of Manhood vs. Dadhood. What is it that Superman did for the citizens of Earth? He provided security, stability, enforcement, and the respect and awe that no matter what, he would be there for us. Superman is the Dadhood side! In apparent opposition is Clark Kent, his humanity, the frailty of his relationships, his childhood, his past, his attachments... his Manhood. These two sides of the character are both parts of the whole, and both necessary for creating a complete person. Without one, the other is unnecessary.

So now, the question for me is not what happened to my examples of Superman and Clark Kent? Where is the legacy that I'm supposed to look to? Instead, I'm asking myself how to be Supes and Clark for my kids. How I will show them strength and vulnerability. How I will show them how to fail and try again, and be that stable security they need. How to enforce the rules, and break them with them on occasion. I love my kids... and it only takes one lifetime to build a legacy!

The Biggest Room in the World...

As I continue to lay the groundwork for the discussion of being a dad while searching for manhood, I want to explain some assumptions I will be making.

The number one assumption is that fatherhood is relative. As a father to our kids, and as a friend and husband to our wives, what we do is relative to expectations. The fatherless just want someone around, and those with fathers seek their approval. Single-parent homes want stability, and nuclear families search for excitement. What one father struggles to do for his family, another sees as a minimal requirement.

All that to say this: No matter what you're doing as a father, you can always do more, or be better. After high school football games where my team won 40-0, my step-dad would ask, "What's the biggest room in the world?" The answer to this question is simply, "The room for improvement." Regardless of how much you think you're doing, you can always be doing more.

I don't mean this to imply that no father is ever doing enough. However, the moment we become complacent, we stagnate. How do we expect to help our children grow when we stop growing ourselves? I will not engage in discussions of details. I will not try to determine who does more, or comparative arguments. I strongly believe that we can always do more, not matter what place we are at in life.

Thanks for taking amoment to read this. Please follow along and join the discussion.

Manhood vs. Dadhood Mission Statement

It took me a few hours to come up with a name for a personal online identity that I felt would help me to create a positive personal online community.  As I reflected on my life, I have been known as many things.  I was a good student, I was a high school football star and a college athlete, I am married for 6 years now, I have 2 kids (one and four), and as a special education teacher I already have a Professional Learning Community through my @EmeraldCitySpEd identity.  It is my role as the Man of the House and father to my son and daughter that I wanted to be known for.  Now, I do not fall into the normal Young Black Male stereotypes as growing up without a father-figure in a broken home... or at least I thought I didn't.  It wasn't until I was 19 years old that I had a revelation that I was fatherless, and that has had a deep effect on me since then. 

Back when I had the real possibility of getting married in my early twenties, I had my reservations.  My hesitation did not stem from my now wife of 6 years, but from my family history.  My mother was with her third husband, my step-dad, who was on his second marriage.  Without a clear, or positive, example of what marriage is supposed to look like, how could I be able to have a successful one myself?

My reservations didn't stop with marriage, but with raising kids.  I was very anxious when we were pregnant with our first child.  Thankfully, our first was a girl, and my step-dad set the bar pretty low for raising a well-adjusted young woman.  On the other hand,  my son is about to have his first birthday, and my concern is going to be how to turn this boy into a man when I barely found the way myself.  I though I grew p with a good example in my step-dad, but it is difficult to listen to someone's teachings and ignore the decisions they make in their personal life.  Some things are just unforgivable by man. 

All this to say that I'm trying to come into my own as a man and as a dad, while trying to figure out how to take this baby that will grow into a boy, and make him a man someday. 

So why do I have Manhood in opposition to Dadhood? 
Quite simply, they are viewed as conflicting by society.  I want to examine what it takes to be a man, and what it takes to be a dad (and a husband when necessary), and discover why the two do not always mesh.  So the title of the blog, and my Twitter name @ManvDadhood, are just the ice-breakers to a social discussion I hope to start.

Please feel free to follow me on my journey, and join in with comments.