Leave and Cleave

Derailed by Mom Issues:

With the passing of this past Mother's Day, I had been inspired to hash out a couple things in a new blog post.  However, I felt like there was so much I have in my head to say, that all the ideas trip over one another.  I have no clear train of though, because I can't complete any.  This is what my mom does to me.  I feel every emotion flood into my head, and nothing all at the same time. I've had three thoughts in my head, regarding my mom, but they continue to interrupt one another. Since I can't get the finished thoughts out of my head, I will get them away from having to keep looking at them in order to finish them.

This idea I kept coming back to, but it forces me to rethink about a time period that was really rough, and took my wife and I a few years to get beyond.  I had three other ideas I may revisit someday, but I don't like thinking about thins that are upsetting to me, and my mother is just that.  

"Mommy Dearest"

I am the youngest of seven, and I work with students who sometimes either can't talk, or not very well.  I see the world the way a behaviorist does; what you DO is who you ARE. To quote rapper DMX, "Talk is cheap!". I come from an eloquent, well-spoken, educated, and persuasive family.  I was fooled into thinking a lot of things growing up, and even though our words can be counter to our core character, our actions can only be counter to that core for so long.  A little bit of adversity, and I learned who my family really was, and who I really was.  

Matthew 12:46-50

While he was yet speaking to the multitudes, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, seeking to speak to him.  And one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, seeking to speak to thee.  But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?  And he stretched forth his hand towards his disciples, and said, Behold, my mother and my brethren!  For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.

A Very Long Engagement

In the Summer of 2003 I proposed to my wife.  In the time from that day until our wedding the following Summer, we experienced a lot of turmoil from external forces.  Just to give you an idea about what happened in the 12 month engagement aside from the usual wedding preparations: I visited her fam in Ecuador, returned to learn that my mom and step-dad were trying to use their influence in our church to stop our wedding, one of my brothers jumped on the band wagon, I tried to appease the situation by making him my Best Man, he agreed, later decided to cuss out my fiancé over the phone and said he wouldn't be a part of my wedding, My mom made a plea to me not to marry my wife, My fiancé and I went to counseling to deal with this situation, I met my BioDad, I did not invite my mother to a wedding she did not want to occur, she still did not show up, we had a beautiful wedding with 400+ in attendance, an amazing reception where we danced until almost midnight, and will be married for 7 years this Summer.  That's the engagement in a nutshell.  

Mom is MIA

Throughout the entirety of my engagement, and on the day of my wedding, I struggled with the loss of relationship with my mother.  Even though I was closer to my Step-Dad, it is the relationship with my mom I feel that she cheated me out of. Because if the way she raised me, and the things she said to me, I assumed that she would be a great mother-in-law and grandmother, ultimately.  I still have a hold-out for my kids to know their grandmother, but I won't force ANY negative influence into their lives.  I grew up with a mother who was very strong and determined it's where I get those qualities), but the reality is closer t insecure and confused.  I don't know if I will ever get a chance to talk with the strong woman who raised me; I think she is gone from me forever.  

The Mother of MY Children

The idea of mother, when i think about what I think it should be, and what I experience, they do not always match up.  As a mother, would you tell your child that they were an accident, almost aborted, conceived in hate?  Of course not, because you are most likely a well-adjusted individual.  My wife is constantly amazed at the miracle that is our children.  She is awe-struck an the idea that these two beautiful being are the product of us.  She is protective, she builds them up, she teaches them, she trains them, she disciplines them, she is creative in how she interacts with them.  She is an amazing mother.  I hope to talk her into writing on this blog one day [fingers crossed].  I never have, and I never will have any fears about my kids when they are with their mother.  

I love my wife.  When I see the things she does for our kids, I don't wish that I had those things from my own mother.  However, I do wish she was able to be around to be those things for her grandchildren.  

I live two miles from my mom, and we're worlds apart.

-JB

Role Models

My daughter, Pebbles, is four years old and still believes (*ahem...knows) that her daddy, me, is the STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. Who am I to tell her otherwise. A couple days after she said this, I saw yet another fight among players in an NBA game while watching ESPN. What do these two events have in common? To me, the correlation is simple: to my four year old, I AM her role model, and I am trying my best to be the right example for her. It is important to me to continue to be that role model for her. Pro players, whether they are a good role model or not, should not be your child's role model. To me, this is just parents being lazy, like having the TV babysit your own children (which I know I do at times).

I shouldn't be so hard on professional athletes, they ARE just children. They are someone else's child. Why would I expect them to be able to set an example for my kids when they are only children themselves. I'm 30, and I still worry about being the right example for my kids as they grow, so why would I want them to loom up to someone else's child who doesn't have any stake in the successes or failures of my kids? I value education as a third-generation college grad and a 2nd-generation post-grad, but these kids come out of college with barely more credits than if they went to a community college and someone hands them a multimillion dollar bonus check.

I wish I could say that it is an age thing and that they will grow wiser with age, but Brett Favre dismissed that argument this past year. Who, in their right mind, send a picture of their old, greying, receding-hairlined, loose-skinned JOHNSON to a beautiful young woman and think that is all it takes? So, maybe i shouldn't pick on pro players, because their profession is to play, so I shouldn't expect too much out of a business that does not encourage it's employees to act with character and integrity.

I'm not even going to talk about musicians or actors, because that is too easy, so I'll mention politicians. [sigh] Now that I think about them, they upset me as well. Here is a group of delinquents who shoot a whole in my previously mentioned notions of education as a value and proves that it doesn't provide for better role models. Politicians, are notoriously just as bad. And why is this? What makes celebrities so out of touch with reality? And why would we want our children to look to them for examples? They typically come from two different backgrounds; one is in the business of producing revenue and entertainment, and the other is in the business of governing the land.

What bothers me most about politicians is that what I feel towards them doesn't come from watching tripe news or doing research, but from personal experience. I was fortunate enough to witness first-hand how a politician become blinded to the reality around them in an attempt to "stand for values" and win voter approval across several value sets. What comes of a person whose business is to be a people-pleaser but they don't realize it?

All this to come back to my original question: who is your child's role model? And why would you let someone else steal that level of influence in their life from you?

Join in the discussion...

JB

Life Imitates Art of War

This post will show the way my head works; I find obvious and obscure correlations and connections between things. Much like my parenting tips as Sports Analogies post (which were obvious), I like to find ways to relate anything to anything else. It is one of my strengths as a Special Education teacher, and I like to see the wheels begin to turn as skillA relates to activityB. It is also what made me an above-average used car salesman (yeah, I was one once).

I was thinking about roles of those in authority and how we as parents teach these roles to our kids. One way or another (it took me a while, and I don't really remember how) I started thinking about military tactics and parenting tactics. Then I began thinking about the different roles soldiers play in war, and how it relates to the type of parenting we do at times. The following list is what I came up with:

BOMBER PILOT: Heavy-handed disciplinarian, when you're around.  Your kids know your name, but refer to you as The Hammer.  You swoop in at the end of the day to dole out punishments with harsh precision because the ground forces (see GRUNTS) called for reinforcements.  May be the style of the executive parent, or you will see this in a single-income home.  "Wait 'til your father/mother gets home."

BUFFALO SOLDIER: Parents who succeed despite everything. Socio-economic status, community environment, single parent, divorce, traumatic event, etc do now deter this parent from giving their child ALL they can. They are the exception to the rule, and do not conform to the statistics. Their child may be the first in their family to go to college.

ENTRENCHED SOLDIER: Stuck in a stalemate. Unable to see what's coming. Unwilling to give ground. Shooting blindly at issues that do not relate to what their kids are dealing with. Feel as if they are going nowhere, but are afraid to try something new.

GRUNTS: Put in the hard work of parenthood. They are the first to get up and have everything ready in the morning, and the last to sleep at night once everyone is fed, clean, and happy. Some Stay-At-Home parents may feel like this, or like they are trying to take the beach at Normandy every morning. ;-)

KAMIKAZEE PILOTS: Parents who seem to sacrifice their own life and happiness to be parents. Abandon all for the title and status of parent. They forget personal hobbies, or interests, and their whole identity becomes that of So-and-So's parent.

THE SABOTEUR: Parents who either knowingly or unwittingly undermine their child's ability to be successful. A parent who is an enabler. Some kids who receive special education services may not have internal disabilities, but disabling parents.

THE SNIPER: A master of working behind the scenes. They recognize possible issues before they arise, plan to have themselves in a position to have it in their sights, and deals with the issue quickly so that it doesn't grow out of proportion, or seem like an issue at all.

TUSKEGEE AIRMEN: when a child has an extended household devote to their success through life. This may be actual family members assuming partial responsibility of raising the kids, or friends and community members making sure all kids show respect and are safe.

So, this is what came out of my head. Are there any I missed?

-JB

Back Again

           I am doing my best to want to set a time to meet with my mother.  I should want the opportunity to rebuild a new relationship with her on my own terms, but I’m not.  Is it because the hurts are too deep?  No.  Is it because the betrayal is unforgivable?  No.  Is it because I’m waiting for an apology or for her to know how much she hurt me?  No.  Then why?  The answer to this is easy: I’m happy.  I’m happy, and it took removing her from my life to achieve it.  So, then the question becomes, “Why would I risk letting her back into my life?” 

            I found an old journal entry from the week after my 23^rd birthday, when I was only one month into not speaking to my mom. 

            Journal Entry from 7 years ago:

I received a card from my mother saying exactly what is wrong in our relationship.  She said simply, “We’ll never let go.”  To me, that is the problem.  They are not allowing me to do what all men are supposed to do; leave his mother and his father, and cleave to his wife.  They do not realize that love doesn’t hold tight, love lets go.  Love is not selfish, love lets us go and learn who we are.  Love doesn’t dictate to us who we are or should be.  Love isn’t boastful, but they chose to take all the responsibility for the good in my life.  They want to tell me what my struggles are and are not.  They want me to be their little boy forever.  I get no credit for growing to where I am.  The people who should see my growth don’t. 

The call me childish and they call me immature.  If I am immature and not a man, then define maturity and what it means to be a man! […] If we want to hold the past over someone, theirs is the marked past that needs to be confronted, dealt with, and accepted.  Their disrespect for my future wife is their way of choosing not to be a part of our lives.  I won’t be around someone, or ask my future wife to be around someone who will not respect us. 

            It reminded me of what I was feeling and thinking at the time.  Seven years and one month since that entry and I’ve only seen my mother twice in person.  However, we’ve been exchanging texts for the last month about meeting up again. 

            I wish this was some kind of accomplishment, but the person texting me sounds like the same person I removed from my life sever years ago.  Do I really want to open Pandora’s Box hoping that the world doesn’t end this time?  A main hesitation is that I don’t want to meet with her without a plan for what I want to say.  However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have nothing to say to her.  So where does that leave me. 

A History Redefined

            As a history major in college, it was stressed to me that history is not something that we read about that happened a long time ago.  We discussed the idea that history is, in fact, a conversation between time and space… between the past and the present.  The lessons we were taught at a young age didn’t make sense until we were older.  New archeological discoveries lead to new revelations about the past and our origins.  When we finally see our parents as humans and not omnipotent creatures in charge of our fate, it gives us a new perspective on how life really was, and how it really can be.  As children become parents themselves, there is a constant internal dialogue between the lessons we were taught, what we actually learned, and how we plan to teach our children.  Our own children either help us to understand our parents and how hard they worked on our behalf, or it leaves us perplexed by the choices they made. 

            Sadly, I fall into the category of the latter.  My parents were the BEST when I was young.  My family was likened to the Cosby’s by my friends, and other families came to my parents for advice and support.  However, this pedestal I placed my family on was shattered, and everything I thought my parents were and stood for was undermined by the time I was 23. 

           

One single example:

My parents were successful Black entrepreneurial business people.  Or so I thought they were.  They did have a company for more than ten years, and I worked with their employees for two summers.  I got to know these people and enjoy working with them.  They took me in, and showed me the ropes and I had a good time even though it was hard work.  I assumed that the company was doing well because we had a house, and we had enough food to feed several teens, and we had a sailboat that we would enjoy on the Puget Sound.  I learned the value of hard work, and a job well done, and to work with integrity because we did not have a supervisor checking in on us all the time.  I learned these things from people who, as it turns out, do not have these values.  I do not believe that a business owner acts with integrity when they have an expensive recreational vehicle like a 34-foot Catalina sailboat and their employees may or may not have received a valid paycheck for all their work.  A sailboat provided me with great memories that are now tarnished to reflect on now, because I can only think of other people who were trying to provide for themselves and their families while we were out on the water.  I would have gladly grown up without a sailboat if that meant hard work was properly compensated, and families were provided for. 

           

My parents… were not the Cosbys.  The people who raised me until I was 18, was not a true representation of who they truly were.  The people who raised me were people of integrity, strong and determined to persevere through the trials and obstacles that got in their way.  The people who raised me did not tolerate dishonesty and were the quintessential American Dream realized.  They taught me how to work hard and play hard.  They taught me to value all people from the most to the least.  They taught me how to love God, and how to be my own person.  They taught me that no one will hand me anything, and that I have to go get it.  They made sure I had the tools and values to be successful in life. 

HOWEVER…

Their ideas of success, and what they taught me success meant were two different things.  The people who raised me was not who they really were, and they could not keep up the charade forever.  When their veil was pulled from over my eyes they tried to say, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  

Lasting Effects:

What does this mean for my kids?  How have the failings of my parents effected how I parent my children?  PROFOUNDLY!!!  My wife tells me that I am a good father.  I don’t think I can put into words what that little statement means to me.  Being blessed to have both a daughter and a son I am living vicariously through them.  Not in the way that I am try get them to succeed where I failed in life, or where I came up short.  I AM experiencing what it feels like to have loving, honest, parents of integrity, and character.  I am doing my best to replace the tainted memories of my childhood with the memories of their childhood. 

Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.  We are not supposed to be the kind of people who use our children to get something, or to work the system.  Our children are not accessories, or trophies.  Our children are not charged with the birthright of continuing on our lowly ambitions.  As parents, it is US that is charged to help them reach a level we did not know was possible. 

For my kids, I’m starting by being the person worthy to be called their dad.

Here We Go Again

I am in the middle of the longest conversation I've have with my mother I the last 5 years. It's been longer, I'm sure, but I'm giving a conservative estimate. This conversation, however, has only consisted of less than 10 texts back and forth. That's how little I've been able to, or had to say. Thank goodness fir the march or time, I think I can actually remain calm and unemotional (or at best, keep my emotions in check). I'm curious to see what comes of this exchange between us, but I'm not holding my breath.


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