Leave and Cleave

Derailed by Mom Issues:

With the passing of this past Mother's Day, I had been inspired to hash out a couple things in a new blog post.  However, I felt like there was so much I have in my head to say, that all the ideas trip over one another.  I have no clear train of though, because I can't complete any.  This is what my mom does to me.  I feel every emotion flood into my head, and nothing all at the same time. I've had three thoughts in my head, regarding my mom, but they continue to interrupt one another. Since I can't get the finished thoughts out of my head, I will get them away from having to keep looking at them in order to finish them.

This idea I kept coming back to, but it forces me to rethink about a time period that was really rough, and took my wife and I a few years to get beyond.  I had three other ideas I may revisit someday, but I don't like thinking about thins that are upsetting to me, and my mother is just that.  

"Mommy Dearest"

I am the youngest of seven, and I work with students who sometimes either can't talk, or not very well.  I see the world the way a behaviorist does; what you DO is who you ARE. To quote rapper DMX, "Talk is cheap!". I come from an eloquent, well-spoken, educated, and persuasive family.  I was fooled into thinking a lot of things growing up, and even though our words can be counter to our core character, our actions can only be counter to that core for so long.  A little bit of adversity, and I learned who my family really was, and who I really was.  

Matthew 12:46-50

While he was yet speaking to the multitudes, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, seeking to speak to him.  And one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, seeking to speak to thee.  But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?  And he stretched forth his hand towards his disciples, and said, Behold, my mother and my brethren!  For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.

A Very Long Engagement

In the Summer of 2003 I proposed to my wife.  In the time from that day until our wedding the following Summer, we experienced a lot of turmoil from external forces.  Just to give you an idea about what happened in the 12 month engagement aside from the usual wedding preparations: I visited her fam in Ecuador, returned to learn that my mom and step-dad were trying to use their influence in our church to stop our wedding, one of my brothers jumped on the band wagon, I tried to appease the situation by making him my Best Man, he agreed, later decided to cuss out my fiancé over the phone and said he wouldn't be a part of my wedding, My mom made a plea to me not to marry my wife, My fiancé and I went to counseling to deal with this situation, I met my BioDad, I did not invite my mother to a wedding she did not want to occur, she still did not show up, we had a beautiful wedding with 400+ in attendance, an amazing reception where we danced until almost midnight, and will be married for 7 years this Summer.  That's the engagement in a nutshell.  

Mom is MIA

Throughout the entirety of my engagement, and on the day of my wedding, I struggled with the loss of relationship with my mother.  Even though I was closer to my Step-Dad, it is the relationship with my mom I feel that she cheated me out of. Because if the way she raised me, and the things she said to me, I assumed that she would be a great mother-in-law and grandmother, ultimately.  I still have a hold-out for my kids to know their grandmother, but I won't force ANY negative influence into their lives.  I grew up with a mother who was very strong and determined it's where I get those qualities), but the reality is closer t insecure and confused.  I don't know if I will ever get a chance to talk with the strong woman who raised me; I think she is gone from me forever.  

The Mother of MY Children

The idea of mother, when i think about what I think it should be, and what I experience, they do not always match up.  As a mother, would you tell your child that they were an accident, almost aborted, conceived in hate?  Of course not, because you are most likely a well-adjusted individual.  My wife is constantly amazed at the miracle that is our children.  She is awe-struck an the idea that these two beautiful being are the product of us.  She is protective, she builds them up, she teaches them, she trains them, she disciplines them, she is creative in how she interacts with them.  She is an amazing mother.  I hope to talk her into writing on this blog one day [fingers crossed].  I never have, and I never will have any fears about my kids when they are with their mother.  

I love my wife.  When I see the things she does for our kids, I don't wish that I had those things from my own mother.  However, I do wish she was able to be around to be those things for her grandchildren.  

I live two miles from my mom, and we're worlds apart.

-JB

Thinking Globally

Reaction to Osama's Death

Since my wife and I do not have cable tv (Netflix streaming & Hulu+) we do not have the constant onslaught of news coverage or the persistent bombardment of commercial consumerism. I get my news from certain online sources and by listening to the news on my commute to and from work.  However, when there is a breaking story, like the announcement of Osama's death, I found out when I checked Facebook on my iPhone. The thing that I found most striking in the posts was the reactions.

There were two kinds of posts that I found most disheartening. The first was the false sense of relief that the war on terro has reached it's climax and we can now bring our troops back. The other was the taunt-like tone in some of the posts that celebrated the death of Osama.  I still remember being woken up by my mom to turn on the news on September 11th. I still remember how the country became briefly patriotic.  To be honest, it was nice to feel like we were all America! 

Cultural Happy Meals

We are two days from Cinco de Mayo, a day we narcissistic Americans assume is the Mexican independence Day (it's actually September 16th), and this is just a small example of how we have boxed up the rest of the world's cultures.  We have placed gross generalizations on populations of peoples that are older, more diverse, and more populated than ours.  What does it say about Americans when we don't even respect our closest neighbors?  We have boiled Mexico's culture down to a burrito and a talking Chihuahua in a Taco Bell commercial.  The most constant Mexican influence we have is George Lopez.  

I don't quite want to wrap this up in a nice bow.  I'd like to get some feedback on this question: How do you raise children who will be conscious of their global community?  I will post about how my wife and I are trying at a later time, but I want to know if anyone will respond in the comments below.  How do we teach our children to sift through the consumerism, the stereotyping, and the categorizing to find their true place in the world, and to become a global citizen of the human race?  What are you doing, have you done, or are planning on doing?

I can't wait to hear your thoughts.

-JB

Man Song: The Aviator

My mom used to tell me that the music you listen to has to have a reason... Even though I don't agree with that statement, fully, I think that there are some songs that hit us in a way we can't always explain.  It may be the whole song, or just part of it.  It may be a good song, and it may not be.  This is one of those ify situations.  I don't know if this is a great song or not... I can't really make it past these words in the chorus:

I'm just a man
Doin' the best he can
Doin' the best he can
I'm just a man

I might fall short
But I love a unseen hand
Love the unseen hand
Love the unseen hand

 The song is called The Aviator, by a Canadian Hip Hop artist named K-Os (chaos).  

The idea of an unseen hand, however yo interpret that, is a powerful visual to a parent.  There are many times where raising kids makes us feel like we've missed being perfect, or we worry that we may have done or will do something to cause them to go to therapy some day.  There is hope that the "unseen" hand will still be there to guide them in spite of our shortcomings.  As a parent... as a dad, that is comforting, because I know who that "unseen" hand is for me.  HE has brought me a wonderful wife and beautiful children.  Check out the song.  Tell me what you think.  

-JB 

Role Models

My daughter, Pebbles, is four years old and still believes (*ahem...knows) that her daddy, me, is the STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. Who am I to tell her otherwise. A couple days after she said this, I saw yet another fight among players in an NBA game while watching ESPN. What do these two events have in common? To me, the correlation is simple: to my four year old, I AM her role model, and I am trying my best to be the right example for her. It is important to me to continue to be that role model for her. Pro players, whether they are a good role model or not, should not be your child's role model. To me, this is just parents being lazy, like having the TV babysit your own children (which I know I do at times).

I shouldn't be so hard on professional athletes, they ARE just children. They are someone else's child. Why would I expect them to be able to set an example for my kids when they are only children themselves. I'm 30, and I still worry about being the right example for my kids as they grow, so why would I want them to loom up to someone else's child who doesn't have any stake in the successes or failures of my kids? I value education as a third-generation college grad and a 2nd-generation post-grad, but these kids come out of college with barely more credits than if they went to a community college and someone hands them a multimillion dollar bonus check.

I wish I could say that it is an age thing and that they will grow wiser with age, but Brett Favre dismissed that argument this past year. Who, in their right mind, send a picture of their old, greying, receding-hairlined, loose-skinned JOHNSON to a beautiful young woman and think that is all it takes? So, maybe i shouldn't pick on pro players, because their profession is to play, so I shouldn't expect too much out of a business that does not encourage it's employees to act with character and integrity.

I'm not even going to talk about musicians or actors, because that is too easy, so I'll mention politicians. [sigh] Now that I think about them, they upset me as well. Here is a group of delinquents who shoot a whole in my previously mentioned notions of education as a value and proves that it doesn't provide for better role models. Politicians, are notoriously just as bad. And why is this? What makes celebrities so out of touch with reality? And why would we want our children to look to them for examples? They typically come from two different backgrounds; one is in the business of producing revenue and entertainment, and the other is in the business of governing the land.

What bothers me most about politicians is that what I feel towards them doesn't come from watching tripe news or doing research, but from personal experience. I was fortunate enough to witness first-hand how a politician become blinded to the reality around them in an attempt to "stand for values" and win voter approval across several value sets. What comes of a person whose business is to be a people-pleaser but they don't realize it?

All this to come back to my original question: who is your child's role model? And why would you let someone else steal that level of influence in their life from you?

Join in the discussion...

JB

Sports Analogy Parenting Tips

I do my best to stay away from stereotypes.  Whether it's from being a young Black male, or a jock, I do what i can to not fit into the social norms and molds that we (even me) expect when we see someone such as myself.  I LOVE sports, but I'm not a sports nut.  I enjoy the strategy and tactical decisions made on gameday.  I also love to compete, and it doesn't matter whether I win or lose, but I will not always lose.  ;-)

I was thinking about some ways that dads are better at parenting, but i thought that would be alienating because there's some moms, and some family members who might slap me when they see me again.  I was going to turn it into a post about the changing roles of the Modern Dad, and how we handle certain situations, but I thought that would make me seem like I was trying too hard.   So I finally settled on doing some parenting tips in the form of sports analogies.  If you get lost in my "logic" or how I make the connection, I can't help you, because I haven't had enough coffee to be fully coherent yet.  So here it goes:

Parenting Tips as Sports Analogies:

1.  Learn from mistakes and move on.  Every Sunday and Monday night we watch as quarterback after quarterback after [Hasselback] throws an interception, and screws up the momentum and flow that your team was on.  Maybe they even ruined a scoring opportunity and threw an interception in the endzone, or it was picked off and run back for 6 the other way.  Regardless of the reason, that QB has to get back out there again and NOT make that same mistake.  There are no counseling sessions, there's not interventions, there's not "we need to talk" moments with him and his coach; there isn't time.  With kids we need to learn from the mistake, quickly, and move on from it.  
2. "Real-food" poopy diapers are NOT bonding moments.  The way I see it, if a NASCAR driver can have all four tires changed, and be refueled as quick as they do, then I should be able to change these human-crimes-in-diapers while holding a single breath.  Now, when they are little and breastfeeding and the poop is not bad smelling, and they are learning how to recognize you, then that's a GREAT bonding opportunity.  However, when they start eating real foods, and their poop now smells like $h!t, it's time to get it, change it up, and get out!  At this age, all the OTHER moments are for bonding.  
3. The Head Coach doesn't coach alone.  No matter who the coach is, he is only as good as his assistants.  I don't want to get caught up in gender roles, but I've seen what happens to college programs and families when the head coach leaves the institution.  Don James (my favorite college coach, EVER) left the University of Washington (he was old and retired), and his assistant tried to fill in, and the program is still recovering from it.  I have had many heart-to-heart talks with kids growing up without their head coach, and it's a sad and unfortunate situation for those kids.  Maybe it's a head coach trying to coach without his assistant; that still doesn't work.  It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a full coaching staff to create a winning program. 
4. Study your scouting reports.  Watch your kids.  See what they like.  Give them dilemmas and see what decisions they make.  Watch what they watch.  Dance how they dance.  Joke how they joke... kind of.  I was never nervous about the opposing team because I knew what they would do in certain situations.  Get to know your kids early so that when they are out as teens, you know what their tendencies will be, and you know how they will handle situations that will arise.  
5. The WWE is FAKE!  But while your kids are young, they should think they are winning, or beating you up for real.  Taking down giants, and the "strongest daddy in the world" builds confidence.  I win some, and I lose some, but she has fun, because it's all entertaining for her.  I don't want her to never try or think she knows I will always win.  What will that teach them?

I hope you enjoyed the list.  What else could I add to it?  Comment below!

-MvD