I am doing my best to want to set a time to meet with my mother. I should want the opportunity to rebuild a new relationship with her on my own terms, but I’m not. Is it because the hurts are too deep? No. Is it because the betrayal is unforgivable? No. Is it because I’m waiting for an apology or for her to know how much she hurt me? No. Then why? The answer to this is easy: I’m happy. I’m happy, and it took removing her from my life to achieve it. So, then the question becomes, “Why would I risk letting her back into my life?”
I found an old journal entry from the week after my 23rd birthday, when I was only one month into not speaking to my mom.
Journal Entry from 7 years ago:
I received a card from my mother saying exactly what is wrong in our relationship. She said simply, “We’ll never let go.” To me, that is the problem. They are not allowing me to do what all men are supposed to do; leave his mother and his father, and cleave to his wife. They do not realize that love doesn’t hold tight, love lets go. Love is not selfish, love lets us go and learn who we are. Love doesn’t dictate to us who we are or should be. Love isn’t boastful, but they chose to take all the responsibility for the good in my life. They want to tell me what my struggles are and are not. They want me to be their little boy forever. I get no credit for growing to where I am. The people who should see my growth don’t.
The call me childish and they call me immature. If I am immature and not a man, then define maturity and what it means to be a man! […] If we want to hold the past over someone, theirs is the marked past that needs to be confronted, dealt with, and accepted. Their disrespect for my future wife is their way of choosing not to be a part of our lives. I won’t be around someone, or ask my future wife to be around someone who will not respect us.
It reminded me of what I was feeling and thinking at the time. Seven years and one month since that entry and I’ve only seen my mother twice in person. However, we’ve been exchanging texts for the last month about meeting up again.
I wish this was some kind of accomplishment, but the person texting me sounds like the same person I removed from my life sever years ago. Do I really want to open Pandora’s Box hoping that the world doesn’t end this time? A main hesitation is that I don’t want to meet with her without a plan for what I want to say. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have nothing to say to her. So where does that leave me.