Monday, March 7, 2011

Back Again

           I am doing my best to want to set a time to meet with my mother.  I should want the opportunity to rebuild a new relationship with her on my own terms, but I’m not.  Is it because the hurts are too deep?  No.  Is it because the betrayal is unforgivable?  No.  Is it because I’m waiting for an apology or for her to know how much she hurt me?  No.  Then why?  The answer to this is easy: I’m happy.  I’m happy, and it took removing her from my life to achieve it.  So, then the question becomes, “Why would I risk letting her back into my life?” 
            I found an old journal entry from the week after my 23rd birthday, when I was only one month into not speaking to my mom. 

            Journal Entry from 7 years ago:
I received a card from my mother saying exactly what is wrong in our relationship.  She said simply, “We’ll never let go.”  To me, that is the problem.  They are not allowing me to do what all men are supposed to do; leave his mother and his father, and cleave to his wife.  They do not realize that love doesn’t hold tight, love lets go.  Love is not selfish, love lets us go and learn who we are.  Love doesn’t dictate to us who we are or should be.  Love isn’t boastful, but they chose to take all the responsibility for the good in my life.  They want to tell me what my struggles are and are not.  They want me to be their little boy forever.  I get no credit for growing to where I am.  The people who should see my growth don’t. 
The call me childish and they call me immature.  If I am immature and not a man, then define maturity and what it means to be a man! […] If we want to hold the past over someone, theirs is the marked past that needs to be confronted, dealt with, and accepted.  Their disrespect for my future wife is their way of choosing not to be a part of our lives.  I won’t be around someone, or ask my future wife to be around someone who will not respect us. 

            It reminded me of what I was feeling and thinking at the time.  Seven years and one month since that entry and I’ve only seen my mother twice in person.  However, we’ve been exchanging texts for the last month about meeting up again. 
            I wish this was some kind of accomplishment, but the person texting me sounds like the same person I removed from my life sever years ago.  Do I really want to open Pandora’s Box hoping that the world doesn’t end this time?  A main hesitation is that I don’t want to meet with her without a plan for what I want to say.  However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have nothing to say to her.  So where does that leave me. 

7 comments:

  1. JB,

    Your Mom might be the same person from seven years ago, but you are most certainly not. I know that you're happy and it's taken you time to get there. But I will ask this question. Have you given thought to your Mom's journey toward that same happiness that surrounds you and your life? I wish we all could be as transparent as you so we could better understand motive and intent. Those darling kids of yours would be enough for me to reach out if I was "family". Use your gut and instinct! Go ahead an extend an olive branch. You could always take it back.

    Sincerely,
    Ed Van Aelstyn
    www.bjjdad.com

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  2. Thank you for your comment. And The Wife said something similar to me as well. She said that meeting up with my mom may not be for me, or for us, because we do not need anything or need to say anything. This may be an opportunity to see if she has something to say; extend that olive branch.

    BTW, my two kids are my mom's 10th and 11th grandchild. So, we will see what happens in the coming weeks.

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  3. Where does it leave you? It leaves you happy.

    You have no obligation to anyone but God, yourself, your wife & babies - To be the best man, husband & daddy you can possibly be. Only have relationships in your life that lead you to that end. You have an amazing, beautiful, strong wife who supports & loves you with her entire being. You have two incredible children full of personality who are secure in your love & look at you with love & admiration shining out of their perfect little brown eyes. Please don't ever let the lack of relationship with you mom ever take even the slightest bit away from the healthy, loving, supportive & joyful relationships you DO have with others. The Bible says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." Please release the hope that your mom will ever change so that you don't live out your life as a man, husband & daddy - suffering from & functioning with - a sick heart.

    You & your family deserve the best version of you - Be blessed. Be whole. Be free. Be happy.

    I love you.

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  4. I've been reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge this past week. It explains much of what you feel about your mom.

    Hope you're able to work it out soon.

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  5. Thanks, T. In fact, I have read Wild at Heart, and his follow-up- book, The Way of the Wild Heart. They are great books.

    I stopped by your blog and saw your letter to your dad. Touching. There are days that I feel cheated. That someone has stolen my parents and my childhood from me. But then it is all that that I thought was true, and the discovery of the real truth that has made me who I am now. The only tragedy to me, is that I don't know how I will feel when they pass away.

    Thanks for stopping by, i hope you do it again.

    -JB

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  6. We don't choose our families, do we?

    Hang in there. I'll be back for sure.

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